“We tend to think of the erotic as an easy, tantalizing sexual arousal. I speak of the erotic as the deepest life force, a force which moves us toward living in a fundamental way. […] When we begin to live from within outward, […] we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense. The erotic is the nurturer or nursemaid of all our deepest knowledge.”
About Surrogate Partner Therapy (SPT)
Because some of the deepest healing happens in relationships, the spirit of Surrogate Partner Therapy (SPT) is to use an intimate relationship as a pathway. Co-shaping a container of intimate trust lets us nurture your agency, worthiness, and dignity.
SPT is a collaborative, experiential modality of somatic therapy. Rooted in intimacy, it creates a container for deep growth.
A surrogate partner is a patient, non-judgmental professional who enters into a physically and emotionally intimate, authentic, and temporary relationship with a client to assist them in their growth. A surrogate partner acts as a stand-in partner who models healthy attunement and relationship skills, holds clients in confronting their goals and material, while in collaboration with the client’s trusted helping professional (often a therapist, coach, social worker, etc.).
Although the relationship is temporary, the work is long term: many surrogate partner relationships tend to last anywhere between six months and three years.
What is a Surrogate Partner?
What is Surrogate Partner Therapy?
A collaboration between client, helping professional (coach, therapist, social worker, etc.), and surrogate partner. The three of us work as a connected team to help you do deep, transformative work. This is known as the triadic model.
A highly attuned therapeutic container for un-learning or re-learning relationship skills, nurturing new capacities, releasing shame, reconnecting to your body, and being deeply attuned to.
A container where a surrogate partner will gently guide you in exercises involving trust, consent, body image, sensuality, communication, intimacy, and worthiness.
An experiential and versatile relationship laboratory: a space to practice, grow, and feel in a hands-on way, where you are always at choice.
A space where we can tend your deepest wounds and fears.
A space where you will be radically cherished.
SPT is:
SPT is one of the most holistic somatic modalities. It combines the attunement of intimate partnership, the observations and introspection of talk therapy, the dialogue and goal setting of coaching, and the raw, experiential work of somatic practices.
How are we defining an intimate relationship?
Intimacy is deep, authentic connection that takes many forms. Depending on your needs and goals, intimacy may or may not include sex (another concept which may take many forms). Sexual intimacy is not a focus or goal of surrogate partner therapy in and of itself, but a tool among many: a container available to us that vulnerable work and growth may happen in.
Surrogate Partner Therapy is right for anyone who is equipped to do deep, experiential work in the container of a temporary intimate relationship held by professionals.
Is SPT right for me or my client?
Who I work with in SPT
For Surrogate Partner Therapy specifically, I work with clients who locate themselves best within an estrogen-dominant body: either currently, aspirationally, or in the process of considering.
I was born in 1986 and work with clients who are at least 21.
I work with people with any of these experiences:
Are seeking attuned, intimate relationships to build skills, unlearn shame, or release undesired patterns within
Are healing from previous abusive or controlling relationships
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know so many of the ways these kinds of dynamics are profoundly misunderstood in our culture, and uniquely traumatic and isolating to those who live through them. Abusers employ fragility, gaslighting, and victimhood reflexively, causing us to split ourselves to endure the chronic hallmarks of these relationships: pervasive dissonance, hypervigilance, self-guilt, depression, anger, confusion, and self-abandonment.
Healing from these relationships can be notoriously isolating and complicated. Re-locating ease and dignity can feel elusive, until we receive well-attuned, consistent connection with someone who deeply understands the dynamic and believes us in our truth. This provides the container needed to fully reset our sense of relational trust and self-trust.
Are non-binary, transfeminine, or exploring their gender or sexuality
Existing outside the normative gender binary (and being exposed to the gendered oppressions that pervade much of the world) is complex and taxing in ways most can’t fully grasp. To move in the world outside the norm — or to deeply re-examine one’s gender or sexuality — can require adjustment to our deepest foundations, with all the vulnerability and potential that carries. Internalized oppression is a key pathway here that many providers are not poised to understand.
I’ve helped many people in and adjacent to my community move beyond these barriers and surface their true selves. Transfeminine care networks have a proud tradition of radical support, and it’s been my specialty and pleasure to participate in this tradition by helping people emerge fully as themselves.
Hold religious shame or trauma they seek to liberate themselves from
“Even when our conditions change, we may never feel safe even though we have what we need; we may question belonging, even when we are clearly wanted; we may live with a persistent shame that doesn’t allow for boundaries or choices that care for us.”
- Prentis Hemphill
As a trans woman who has achieved significant liberation from Catholic indoctrination, I know how these belief systems can shape our lives and our psyches. Even when we intellectually and socially separate ourselves from these systems, they leave residue within us: parts of us who still hold on to the logic and shame that were deeply internalized, often during formative times.
Want to work with boundary setting or people pleasing
At its core, people pleasing and boundary work is about honoring deep, outdated contracts we’ve made with ourselves about the lifeline of interpersonal connection. We build scripts and inner pacts based on scarcity: these old scripts need to be understood, grieved, surrendered, and rewritten in order to give us access to our full dignity and selves again.
This deep rewriting process can’t happen alone. It’s a repeated dance of co-regulation. It relies on an attuned other to co-create the primary resources of a stable foundation: trust, dignity, and agency.
Are seeking to build sexual or relational confidence
Want to release shame, affirm their worthiness, or better anchor themselves in relationship to their body (this may involve fatness, disability, altered appearance, medical conditions, etc., or it may not)
We can love our bodies intellectually and aspirationally, and even feel this as we’re desired by others, but it takes sustained attunement and vulnerability to feel it intrinsically in our bodies and psyches. Being deeply desired and cherished by another — as powerful as is is — is only the first step toward fully internalizing it for ourselves.
Are reorienting after violation of their bodies, dignity, or trust
Sometimes experiences like these break or suspend our sense of reality, leaving our body stuck in a period of trauma. Other times, their impact only becomes fully visible in hindsight, pulling us into confusion or grief after the fact. As someone who has experienced SA, I know these experiences can linger in unpredictable ways, and that our nervous systems and psyches need periods of safe, consistent attunement to begin uncoiling.
Are neurodivergent
As Dr. Nick Walker says, “maybe you function exactly as you ought to function, and […] the troubles in your life have not been the result of any inherent wrongness in you. And that your true potential is unknown and is yours to explore.”
As a woman with AuDHD, much of my life has been shaped by external and internalized ableism: forces that so often create a pervasive sense of shame, inadequacy, confusion, and un-belonging. I understand well how strongly this lived experience can form powerful internal contracts (visible and invisible) about the vigilance we’re pressured to maintain in this world, and the ways we learn to perceive ourselves.
Healing from these foundational experiences rests in the continual journey of acceptance and unmasking: understanding ourselves ever more deeply and reclaiming our full dignity.
Have had minimal or no sexual or relationship experience, or have struggled to form or maintain relationships
Relationships are irreplaceable pathways to core needs: attunement, co-regulation, self differentiation, emotional stability, connection. They shape us profoundly at all stages of life (for good or ill), and yet we don’t always possess the skills, circumstances, or liberation to choose if or how this happens for us.
The deep, unnecessary stigma about having less relationship experience can keep us stuck in cycles of confusion or shame we don’t need or deserve. The vulnerable act to pursue deep, attuned connection with a surrogate partner is an extraordinary catalyst, a pathway to the rich relational life that’s available to you.
SPT FAQ
What’s your rate for Surrogate Partner Therapy?
I charge $200/hour for Surrogate Partner Therapy, and $50/hour of local travel time (both billed in 15m increments).
Where do sessions take place? Do you travel?
I practice in a private, ground floor, wheelchair accessible space in Lake City, Seattle, within view of Lake Washington. Occasionally, we may choose to hold sessions outside or in public space to support you building certain skills.
Do I need a therapist, social worker, or coach to begin SPT?
Yes, without exception. By design, a surrogate partner is entering into an authentic, intimate relationship with you, and can’t act with the professional distance a clinician or coach can. It’s ethically and emotionally vital you have an unbiased other to help you process any fears, resistance, and emotions likely to arise.
The collaborating professional (whether therapist, coach, or similar practitioner) performs an essential and irreplaceable role in the triad, and it’s a breach of professional ethics to practice SPT without one (as per the SPC’s surrogate partner ethical standards, alongside other organizations).
The expertise of the collaborating professional is critical in several areas: making sure the client is prioritized and safe, co-tending the integrity and efficacy of the therapeutic container SPT creates, and helping clients generalize the experiences they learn within the container into new relationships (romantic and otherwise).
SPT creates opportunities to do very tender, restorative work together. Although I’m a professional who will prioritize and tend to you first (your safety, dignity, needs, boundaries), the nature of SPT means that I’m partnering with you in an intimate, authentic relationship. In order to create this container, I’m bringing my authentic self into the space with me, along with my own sensibilities, imperfections, and material. This is where the professional distance of a helping practitioner is key.
There’s an additional element: for safety and integrity reasons, I’m necessarily selective about the clients I work with. At times, clients bring internalized oppression or even hurtful behavior patterns that block them from being in healthy relationships, and these elements naturally show up in relationship with me. While I’m comfortable being present with these behaviors in boundaried, corrective, and healthy ways (and, often enough, specifically seek clients who need this kind of attunement), being able to communicate with your provider lets me know what to expect. It gives me invaluable information that supports your journey and our shared sense of trust and dignity.
How often will we meet? How long are sessions?
It’s typical to meet between 2 to 4 times per month, for 1.5 hours to 3 hours each session (to suit your goals and availability). When that isn’t feasible, it’s also common to do intensives: this usually looks like meeting for two multi-hour sessions each day for 1-2 weeks. Smaller weekend intensives are also possible.
I don’t have a lot of experience being with trans partners or providers. Is it okay if this is new for me?
Yes, it really is. I’m very practiced at meeting people where they are, and welcoming them at their learning edges. The relational container we’re co-creating together is sustained by both dignity and generosity of spirit, which I bring in abundance to our space.
Any meeting between people carries the risk of awkwardness, discomfort, and even harm, and of course this risk goes both ways. But it also carries the possibility for allyship, intimacy, growth, pleasure, care, and being seen.
Audre Lorde reminds us: “It is within our differences that we are both most powerful and most vulnerable, and some of the most difficult tasks of our lives are the claiming of differences and learning to use those differences for bridges rather than as barriers between us.”
If you’re looking for extra resources ahead of time, I highly recommend Julia Serano’s essays. And if there are any materials you’d like me to explore in order to show up for you or your client better, I’d love to do that.
Is SPT in-person only?
Yes. This is an experiential modality rooted in physical presence and intimacy.
Is SPT legal?
Yes. To quote the Surrogate Partner Collective:
“Surrogate partner therapy is not, and has never been, illegal. There are no laws that prevent clients from seeking surrogate partners, prevent surrogate partners from practicing, or prevent therapists from collaborating with surrogate partners.
Claims otherwise are rooted more in fear than fact, as the surrogate partner process has not been immune from the deeply-rooted fear, shame, and judgment around sexuality that has thrived in our culture.
No statute prohibits the practice. After extensive research, we have not been able to find evidence of any case in which a surrogate partner or a collaborating therapist has been prosecuted for violating a criminal law or held liable for violating a civil law.
Kamala Harris, formerly a presidential candidate, Vice President of the United States, United States Senator, and California Attorney General, stated [of SPT specifically]:
“If it's between consensual adults and referred by licensed therapists and doesn't involve minors, then it's not illegal.”
More information can be found in the Surrogate Partner Collective’s document on the subject.
How do we handle interaction outside of session, or after our work has concluded?
In order to respect the power and nature of the container we establish together, our communication outside of sessions will pertain to logistics and planning only. If we encounter each other in public or shared community space, I won’t reveal our connection to each other unless you decide to.
Be aware that after our journey together is complete, I don’t continue or cultivate relationships of intimacy with my clients. This policy is in place until at least 3 years have passed since the last time we’ve worked together in my capacity as a surrogate partner.
It’s important to understand and accept that our relationship (however meaningful, authentic, and deep) is necessarily temporary for the good of all parties. When we conclude our journey with each other, our relationship container will conclude as well. This is a time when your clinician or coach will help you transition and take the skills you’ve learned into your daily life.
Who is SPT not right for?
SPT isn’t recommended for people who aren’t currently working productively with a clinician or coach they trust. It’s also not recommended for anyone who sees the work as primarily physical or technical, or is desiring the kind of contact that might be better met by a different kind of professional or a different modality.
Is SPT covered by insurance?
I’m not aware of any insurance providers that cover this modality.
Is “sex surrogate” an accurate term for a surrogate partner? Will we have sex?
Please don’t use the term “sex surrogate”. It’s a dated (and sensationalist) term that doesn’t describe the shape of the actual work.
SPT is fundamentally about building and refining intimacy skills: boundaries, social skills, body image, sensual intimacy, sexual intimacy, touch, trust, attunement, anxiety management, and emotional awareness. Surrogate partners help create the container to experientially practice these skills in.
Because SPT is therapeutically and holistically grounded, sexual intimacy is not a single focus or goal, but a potential tool among many: a container that vulnerable work and growth may happen in.
Intimacy is deep, authentic connection that takes many forms. Depending on your needs and goals, intimacy may or may not include sex (another concept which may take many forms). In any case, sexual contact may only occur after all members of the therapeutic triad (you, myself, and your collaborating clinician or coach), agree that the time and container is right, and it would be therapeutic.
Why is SPT so expensive?
The work requires a high level of investment: I’m essentially in a committed relationship with each of my clients. Because of this, it’s emotionally and logistically untenable to take on as many clients at once (especially compared to the average caseload of a therapist or coach), and my rates reflect that.
What about sexual health and safer sex practices?
Before sexual contact, I require up to date STI screening and will provide my own test results as well. I will also share information about my current sexual risk profile, and expect the same of clients. Clients are always at full choice to limit the level of risk exposure and activities available to us. Sexual intimacy can take many forms, and I also reserve the right to protect my sexual health according to my own criteria.
How do I know we’re a good fit?
I happily offer free 30 minute consultations over video call. From there, there's a range of options to see what next steps make sense.
What if I’m not attracted to you, or I’m not sure if I will be?
The truth is, the deepest levels of intimacy don’t rest on the foundation of physical attraction. The most sensual, attuned intimacy comes from shared experiences, co-regulation, and radical trust.
This is not to say physical attraction is unimportant in relationships. But in this therapeutic modality, we want to cultivate intimacy that rests on the right foundations.
Much of our sensibilities about attraction are inherited: pressed into us by circumstance, or a culture that wields shame to elevate a cruelly narrow band of idealized bodies. Because this is the water so many of us swim in, work that’s liberatory and therapeutic has the pleasure — and responsibility — of challenging these inherited ideas.
And so, paradoxically, high levels of physical attraction between surrogate and client can sometimes be a barrier: a trailhead that reveals a path of productive exploration.
Stepping into this type of framework enriches one’s life: we learn to open ourselves into building deeper relationships with a broader set of people, resting those relationships on more solid foundations.
What if I’m not interested in a particular exercise or element of our practice?
Within SPT, you are always at choice about whether, when, how, and why you participate in anything, without shame or pressure. To influence you to participate against your preference or instinct goes against the core spirit of the work: to radically cherish your agency, dignity, and worthiness.
What ethical or legal guidelines are surrogate partners obligated to adhere to?
There are several organizations that train surrogate partners in the United States, each with different curriculums, philosophies, and standards. As I am training under the Surrogate Partner Collective (SPC), I’m committed to their code of conduct. It’s good to be aware that Surrogate Partners do not have licensing boards, and are not governed by the same set of regulations and requirements as most therapists and other mental health professionals in the United States. For example, I am not obligated to keep records that may later infringe on your privacy. I take the welfare and privacy of my clients very seriously, and welcome any questions clients or supporting professionals have about precautions and expectations.
How is my privacy protected?
I am morally and professionally obligated and committed to preserving your privacy. Your personal information will only be shared with your collaborating clinician or coach when relevant, and I will strictly anonymize your information with anyone else I consult with (for example, my training supervisors or other relevant professionals).
If we happen to encounter each other in the world in a shared setting, I won’t indicate I know you, interact with you at length, or reveal information about our relationship to each other unless you specifically say otherwise.
How many sessions should I expect to have? How do I know when the work is done?
SPT is highly individualized, and doesn’t have a pre-determined length. That said, many surrogate partner relationships tend to last anywhere between six months and three years. Sessions each week (or sometimes every other week or via intensives) are common.
The arc of our journey together will be actively shaped and adjusted in collaboration with you and your clinician or coach, but generally we’ll end our journey when you feel complete enough in the goals you set, or decide that further work wouldn’t serve you.
Who is Surrogate Partner Therapy right for?
Generally, SPT tends to be best suited for people who are currently unpartnered. Because such deep healing can happen within the container of an attuned and healthy partnership, it’s often ideal for your existing partner(s) to bond with and support you in that work (perhaps with the benefit of coaching or counseling as a support). But in some cases (CNM/polyam/RA clients come to mind), it can make a lot of sense to work with a surrogate partner even if you’re partnered.
FAQ for Collaborating Clinicians and Coaches
What is the clinician or coach's role in the therapeutic triad?
Rather than treating the process as a supervision, the clinician or coach collaborates equally with the client and the surrogate. As surrogate partners are professionals from a different field (unlike an intern or supervisee), the actions of the surrogate do not become your professional liability.
The clinician or coach's main role within the triad is to emotionally support the client. Because SPT is vulnerable work, it often surfaces a range of attachment wounds, insecurities, or traumas. You should feel empowered to assist the client the same way you usually would, with the knowledge that the surrogate partner is there as a skilled, attuned partner your client can have corrective emotional experiences with.
The clinician or coach's other role is (with the consent of the client) giving the surrogate partner relevant context and insight about the client: what material to be especially aware of, themes they’ve been working with, and upcoming exercises that might be ideal. You and I will each want all parties to be comfortable with the structure and pacing of the work. Using your knowledge of the client, you can collaborate with surrogate partners to plan exercises and experiences that are well-tailored to the client’s goals, needs, and current capacity.
Although surrogate partners are trained professionals, we do encounter our own barriers that may limit us and even generate countertransference toward the client. While it’s typical for the surrogate to address this with their own support providers, clinicians and coaches in SPT may also choose to support the surrogate partner with these types of challenges from time to time.
What if I’m new to SPT and want more support?
The Embrace group exists for this purpose. They offer a number of resources upon request, including Q&As, panels, trainings, presentations, networking support, case consultations, and monthly Clinical Collaboration Groups.
You can also check out the Surrogate Partner Collective, which has a collection of resources as well.
What is the structure of this collaboration?
Typically, clinician/coach and surrogate partner will interact in one of two ways: the triadic meeting and the regular check-in.
The SPT process formally begins with a triadic meeting. All three of us meet (either on a video call or in person) to discuss the client’s work so far, their barriers and goals, what schedule seems most ideal, and any other questions that may come up. This meeting is typically an hour long, and can optionally be scheduled during a client’s usual time with their clinician or coach.
Sometimes, additional triadic meetings may come up to work through specific issues where the presence of each person feels necessary or supportive. A triadic meeting is also held at the conclusion of the SPT process to celebrate the client’s journey and assess areas they’ll continue to work on going forward.
After the initial triadic meeting, each duo in the triad meets regularly (usually once per week or once every other week). The regular check-in between clinician/coach and surrogate is often a voice or video call (though email is possible at times), and usually lasts 10-20 minutes. As regular calls with other practitioners aren’t usually a part of clinician's or coach's common practice, you should decide with your client how to handle compensation for this time. Some professionals charge clients their regular rate, choose not to charge, or schedule the check-ins at times that are most convenient for them (such as the beginning or end of their sessions with their clients).
These check-ins are an essential part of the process. If a clinician or coach isn’t inclined or able to participate in these calls consistently, it’s likely they’re not a good fit for collaborating in SPT.
How do I introduce the idea of SPT to a client?
The Embrace monthly info sessions are a great resource here, and clients are welcome to attend anonymously with microphone and camera off.
What is the role of the clinician or coach at the conclusion of SPT?
Because the conclusion of SPT means the end of an intimate relationship, clients often deal with a wide range of emotions. It's recommended that clients continue to see a clinician or coach for at least a few months after SPT concludes, so they can acclimate, process, and generalize the skills and insights gained into their daily lives.